I got so much more!

Heart rock conglomerate, Goat Rock Beach, CA (All rights reserved.)

I Got So Much More!


I got so much more
Than I ever asked for
Than I ever wanted
Or thought was of my worth.

Oh, I had expectations, sure
But the Universe
With other ideas in mind
Won
Again and again.

I got so much more
Than I ever asked for
Than I ever wanted
Or thought was of my worth.

Like the sudden joy
From a seal's head
Popping up.
When seeing the waves
And hearing the crash
Was enough...
Enough for sure.

I got so much more
Than the heart
Thought in store
When young and fool-hearty

A gentle but firm hand
Guiding me
Guiding me
To hear
To here

(c) JoAnn Saccato, 2015


I traveled to the Russian River area yesterday with a mission to pick up a futon mattress I found on Craig's List. The place was so close to the ocean, I took the opportunity to visit my favorite beach, Goat Rock. I grew up coming to this part of the north coast. My family took many outings to favorite beaches and it was one of Mom's regular run away spots with us kids when my dad was on an alcohol binge and abusive.

I also lived in Santa Rosa shortly after graduating high school and spent many days jaunting the half hour to the Bodega Bay area. Back then, my simplistic understanding of life was much like many other 17 year girls who had been filled with fairy tales of handsome princes rescuing damsels in distress, or the underprivileged, to then live happily ever after in love and abundance.

I can remember walking along the beaches yearning to be walking with someone I loved and who loved me. Someone that was in love with me, whom I was confident would take care of me. Wasn't I, too, worthy of that? I certainly believed then that if someone didn't love me that way, then I wasn't.

Shyla and I spent many hours on this beach, too, in the 15 years we had together--sometimes with lovers, but many times just us. Today, as I arrived alone at the beach, the fog had taken over, calming the record breaking heat. Very few people remained--a surfer peeling out of his wet suit, his blissful smile clear and bright, and a family held up in their SUV unprepared for the cooler temps.

On the short path to the beach, I met upon a woman carrying an obviously heavy bag of rocks, which did nothing to dim the big smile on her face. I commented that the best pebbled rocks were at this beach and reflected how some 14 years prior I had hand picked enough of the stones to make a small beach for a pond I created at my friend, Vicki Crystal's home.

I trudged barefoot through the fine, warm sand trying to mindfully focus on the feel of it until I reached the mound of stones, which had grown by huge proportions since my gathering days. Out of habit, my eyes instantly began looking for the most beautiful or heart-shaped ones. I set my pack down and settled into the exploration, while the sound of the waves soothed my heart.

With no purpose for collecting them, I arranged them on a large jagged rock and took a photograph. Feeling unsettled, I wondered if that was it? Without purpose, do I just come, arrange a few rocks and leave? I sat down and leaned back against a large jagged boulder, closed my eyes and listened to the waves. It was then that I realized I was all alone again. My current relationship is ending and the loss of him in my life is quite fresh and painful. Shyla has been gone for 2+ years now and I'm having to learn how to settle into being alone again since my early twenties.

The reflection of the 17 year old walking along the beach wanting to be coupled--to be wanted, to be loved--surfaced, as did images of what acutally transpired in the 34 years since then, and that's when it dawned on me--I experienced and received so much more than I had in my mind--so much more than I could even conceive possible at that naive age!

Ugly tears mixed with bursts of laughter surged out of my body as image after image proceeded to overtake my internal vision--past partners and lovers, Walter, Shyla, my family, travels-England, India, China, Mexico, Peru, Thailand, Hawaii--awe-inspiring nature, friends, jazz, drumming, the cabin, my new home, my education, teaching, writing, coaching, the Co-op, and the spiritual traditional Teachings. And all I wanted was someone to hold my hand lovingly as we strolled on the beach--not even believing I was worthy of that when it hadn't manifested.

The Universe seems to have had so much more in store for me and I seemed to have wrestled with it all the way--and still do. I had woken up this particular morning thinking I haven't been grateful enough for the blessings in my life and this experience pulled the gratitude from depths I'd never before touched.

I guess I was looking for the wrong hand to hold and the wrong hand to hold mine all these years--all the while, the Universal hand was gently coming up from the side and behind me, much like a watchful, kind parent trying to keep a child from veering into the traffic, steering me to this unimaginable life filled with so much more than I ever hoped for.

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